Civilian Casualty - The Introduction

 

The Men

THERE IS A GENERATION OF MEN (The Fathers), born two decades before independence (1960) and during the period of independence. They were born in an age where western education, colonial culture and orientation seemed to emphasize the superiority of the male intellect in the eyes of those otherwise unexposed Nigerians.  To their minds, the attitude of the relatively unlearned and barely knowledgeable colonial masters ^[1]to women was right. This attitude seemingly validated the erroneous, traditional assumption of our forefathers^[2] that women were inconsequential.

 

This generation of men had available to them, the full advantage and opportunity of western education – if their parents wanted it and could afford it. They got the opportunity to see the world beyond the borders of the country because of their education and learned the difference between a fork and a spoon!

They were taught that Western culture and orientation was superior to its African counterpart; this they mostly believed it^[3]. Yet they couldn’t get rid of the little African worm in their brains, reminding them that the African culture, medicine and orientation had been responsible for their upkeep, health and social interactions before they were exposed to the Western Culture.

These men found themselves stuck somewhere in between their Western and African Heritage. Western education taught them about language, cutlery and how to use the dictionary but it didn’t permit several wives like their fathers had. And these men wanted lots and lots of women!

They remember that their fathers enjoyed the pleasures of several wives and long for the same luxury. But just as they remembered the good, they also forgot the bad; these women fought a lot and had a way of getting rid of each other to gain the husband’s preference and if he couldn’t be gained, well then, of what use was he? Off with his head! – Figuratively speaking.

Sure, men like women but these ones can’t do without several women. Don’t get it twisted. Some of these men had just one wife but it is a rare and good find, to find one who had all his children by one woman. Adultery and a false sense of dominance over the women folk became the result of their confusion.

These are the men who went on to become leaders of the country and it became the state of my country to be continually stuck between two civilizations - not exactly sure what to pick and what to drop. These ones called their wives frigid and stiff, bitter, unyielding, wicked, murderous and nagging women – I say, their wives wised up!

The Women

THERE IS A GENERATION OF WOMEN (The Mothers), born during the period immediately preceding our independence (1960) and immediately after, women born in the 50s and early 60s. These women were born in an age, when the realization set in, that women might just be, a tiny, bit, more, than birthing machines.

These women got the benefit of western education but rarely it’s full advantage. They got a taste of it, just like a baby sucking the juices off a piece of meat first chewed by its mother. Sure, the baby got to taste what meat was like but it also sucked off its mother’s saliva - juicy as it might have been.

However a baby grows teeth eventually, enough to refuse its mother chewing the meat first- probably by smacking its mother smartly on the mouth. For these babies though, their teeth never fully developed. Education seemed like something within their grasp but never actually in it. It didn’t really matter; they got a taste and could order the latest shoes from London and Paris if they wanted!

These women or babies if I may have come to agree on one point wherever you meet them; men are animals, dogs, greedy, selfish, wicked and unfair – I’m not sure I don’t agree with them. They struggle to be financially independent of their husbands. They mostly have separate bedrooms; because they can’t stand adultery – that was why they had a white wedding. After all, were they not supposed to be educated folks and not savages like their fathers were who had several wives. This was AIYE OLAJU (The Age of Exposure).

They call their children their husbands, their priority. They do not consider any sacrifice too great for their children, they’ll go to any lengths to see to their child’s success, even bathe and dance naked in the market square should any spiritual figure tell them to do so. They believe that their reward lies in their child’s success. All that they missed in life will be paid for and restored to them by their children. What a burden for those poor, poor, kids!!!

 Few women of that particular generation escaped this dilemma. The dilemma of living for the future, yet not sure they’ll be alive when it comes or that they’ll be able to enjoy it in any way. They mostly did not.

The Mother-in-Laws

THERE IS A GENERATION OF MOTHERS-IN-LAW (The Grandmothers), most of who have passed on naturally, or by diabolical means - between you and me - these are the women born in the 1900s and maybe even before that till the 30s. They are the fossils of the past generation, the carriers of history.

They shared their husbands with many women and were hardly bothered about it (except when they were not respected by junior wives, which happened a lot!) They went through humiliating experiences if their husbands died before them; their marriage rights required a show of virginity. They had few rights if any, they conceived and birthed several children most of whom died before their eyes.

I have also been recently informed that there was a lot of wife snatching - not like the Neanderthals did it. It was more akin to stealing and had absolute nothing to do with love or seduction. This was because most fathers gave their daughters as gifts to wealthy men who already had several wives and there weren’t enough women to go round. I guess at some point it became a grab as many as you can. Some men had 24 wives and no, they were neither kings or nobles, just rich.

Of this generation of women, less than one percent got the advantage of western education and those are the ones most likely born in the 30s.

These women believe they should have more say in the home, than their son’s wife who they think is spoiled by their son and lacks basic home training. It is a personal bragging right to them that they were able to successfully conceive, birth and raise a son – and this is something I can respect and understand considering the hassle and troubles it took to raise a child in an hostile environment where every wife is struggling to place their child at the fore front of the father’s notice and concern. If you ask me, society might have as well used guns to thin out the population because several children died for no reason in the process.

They interfere freely in their son’s marriage and believe that they are the number one and principal member of the family, followed only by their sons and that their counsel is unparalleled and they’ve seen it all – except of course innovation in technology and sexual orientations which never ceases to amaze them.

They consider it their right to be worshipped by their son’s wife and dealt a harsh punishment on the wife should she cross them, by reporting her to the son or the entire extended family^[4] if she is angry and motivated enough. You’d be amazed at how many homes they have successfully wrecked in this manner!

They are not viewed kindly by their daughters-in-law but are adored by their sons. They’ve been called strong and dependable, kind and loving, but they are also called witches. The birds that fly at night and torment the town and family; home wreckers put simply. In my country, a mother-in-law is more likely to wreck a home than a mistress. She has ‘powers’ and she makes GOOD use of them.

The Children

THERE IS A GENERATION OF PEOPLE (The children) born between the 70s and the early 90s (especially the 80s), a generation born in the midst of the chaos caused by the confusion of the fathers, the discovery of feminism by the mothers and the illiteracy resulting from gender subjugation of the grandmothers.

Of this generation, at least 50% (both male and female) got and enjoyed the benefit of education. It might have had something to do with the fact that, everyone in the past generations, who did not get the privilege of education, was more often than not poor and underprivileged.

 It was also periodically and repeatedly forced into the minds of most Nigerians (especially Western Nigeria) that it was fool hardiness not to educate your female child. Anyone who didn’t send their child to school was looked upon with scorn and they were dismissively called ‘ARA OKO’ (A country man, Uncivilized).

This generation of educated folks has developed the ability –all thanks to messed up families, society, and government - to resolve the conflicts created by their forerunners: their fathers, mothers and grandmothers.

They have taken their fathers’ dual heritage and combined it into one strong, seamless heritage by accepting both as important parts of their lives and background; neither do they see any conflict in it, because they understand that: Africa is where they come from, and westernization is responsible for their education and deprives them of nothing.

They have gone beyond the discovery of feminism by their mothers to the application and use of women’s right in their everyday lives; they know that they are not second class citizens because they are female, if anything, they believe that being female gives them a unique edge.

They do not suffer from illiteracy resulting from any form of gender subjugation as their grandmothers did; their education has become their bragging right and power.

This generation, will use African materials for western designs; the men will wear finely cut African Jackets and shirts over black western pants; you’ll see, ridiculously beautiful ladies in African Print cut into Western designs, setting a fashion trend everywhere you go in Nigeria.

You’ll see strong women who confidently occupy leadership positions over men in their organization and who are not apologetic about it. Best of all, if a mother-in-law should interfere in their marriage, the wife and husband will confidently and respectfully ask her to butt out!

Quite understandably, most Nigerians born before the 70s are often heard complaining that they do not understand this generation. I should hope not. It would mean the past is being repeated, if they were understood, that is.

There are days that I think about them and can’t wait to see what history will say of them. I find them fascinating and would love to document their past, present and hopefully predict their future. However, for this books purpose, I am more interested in documenting their past as it relates to the 90s and 2000s.

P.S:

There is a lot of Asides and opinions in the stories. Names and some locations have been changed to protect the identity of the people in these stories.

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[1] I call them unlearned and barely knowledgeable as advancement in society today particularly as it relates to women proves how wrong most of their attitude was in those days.

[2] These being the same men who exchanged people for inconsequential things like mirrors. Not very smart people, if you ask me!

[3] A lot of twins in Nigeria today probably have to be thankful that this slight oversight on the part of that particularly dense generation, eventually led to their gaining the right to live. I am most thankful for this. Mary Slessor also deserves their thanks.

[4] Yes, this included third, fourth and fifth cousins, if the woman was unlucky enough to have a mother-in-law who is the oldest family member.